And now for something different

so yet another town where i dont speak the lingo, another plane followed by complex sequence of bus journeys and changes, another mini adventure no bike, no boat, no paragliding as planned just me and my backpack, tent and gear, all decided yesterday, no maps, no where planned to stay tonight , no plan other than to head into the Sierra Nevada mountains and pick up the gr7 somewhere, walk and camp until it’s time to head back in a weeks time, big thanks to Danny Griffith for running me to the airport this morning at 2 am Seren bro. peace, simply quest, mountains and tranquillity …….

had a great week, hiking in Andalucia, hadly saw anyone, wildcamped and stayed in mountain refuges.

so after a weeks of worth of vitamin d and bags of exerting exercise hiking a section of the GR7 in sierra nevada mountains of spain, with a few chill days thrown in around a sweet pool, nestled within the mountains, i was feeling pretty good, the black dog was no where in sight. My return day however had some surprises waiting for me, the night before i was woken after just a few hours sleep by very strong winds, knowing i had a 2 hour trek in the morning to the nearest town where i would catch the first bus for a 5.5 hour bus journey, i lay in bed unable to get back sleep for 5 hours, gutted it was going to be a long day. My 14 hour journey back to the UK went well, i was excited to see my friends and to be met at the airport by my partner. Then as the plane descended into the airport anxiety spang on me, i quickly departed the plane and tried to hurry through check out, to generate some movement. i got to passport check and was in full on meltdown, i was asked to use the new retinal scan machines but as i approached a full on panic attack hit me, i had not had one for years so it was a huge shock, i stood at the machine for many goes, shaking, machine failing time upon time, conscious everyone behind me in the line, could see me shaking, it was a nightmare. i could not stay still for the machine to register my eye. Eventually an attendant directed me around to the manual control, a man quickly looked me up and down and seeing i was suffering , ushered me through. in the baggage area i know loads of people had sen me, troubled i text two close friends to just get it out what had happened. I was met at the arrivals gate by my girlfriend i really did not want to see me in distress, which didnt help, we drove to mine, where i decided a kabab was necessary, to fuel my 16 hour travel, my card didnt work in the machine, surprise surprise, evoking yet another attack. later she asked about the shaking, i didnt know if she had seen it but obviously she had, i had to spill, not nice. i have not had these attacks for years, but i know how to overcome them and not allow them to become a reoccurring loop of descending spiral of fear, the trick is not to fear them to continue to do all the things you normally would, to give in to fear that it will happen again means you eventually do nothing because you eventually fear them and everything, every social activity and the black dog then has well and truly pinned to the floor. The worst part of the evening was with out doubt knowing someone you care about see you so fearful, naked and vulnerable. Shame set in, until i realised, given what crap i have been through i should give myself a break and start to treat myself like someone i have a responsibility to love. I have good friends who are there for me when i need them, however i am, for that i am grateful. o and its been several days now, sleep has still evaded me many nights, with only 19 hours in 5 days and having continued to do the things i would normally do i have not had another panic attack, i felt one the next day in a shop and i told it NO you aint getting this one again, ace.

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